“Memories” in the making

It has been quite the fall season hasn’t it? A lot happened in October and now I’m back in my hometown for the next 2-3 months. Even though I make a trip back to my parent’s house every year, Its the first time since I left for Japan 5 years ago that Ive been home Especially for the holidays. I have a love hate relationship for my hometown and I wont lie, its actually quite depressing being back. Not to mention that the pandemic isn’t quite over either, there’s a limit to what I’m allowed to do for a while.

And then it hit me, when I was packing a small suitcase to the airport a couple days before my trip. I was thinking about which camera I should bring with me: My trusted canon M50 or the film camera that I had gotten from a university senior that I highly respected. I always told myself that I would shoot more on the film camera and specifically bought the camera from him because I was interested in getting into film (or at least playing around with it). But it was rare for me to bring it outside because of how bulky and heavy it was. I mostly brought it along with me when going around my city to do errands (if I had the space in my purse). I would like to say I have decent knowledge of how to shoot with it after playing around with a couple rolls of film for practice. I still haven’t gotten around to developing them though so Im actually not 100% sure they turned out that great.

Regardless, I made the reckless decision to bring my film camera with me to hometown for 2 months. It also re-sparked an idea for a project that I already had in mind since the beginning of the summer. I know, I know....This year I teased a few ideas that I had drafted up in my head but due to the pandemic and other personal issues that needed to be resolved first, 2020 just wasn’t the best time for those ideas to fully bloom yet. They felt ... almost empty when I tried to execute them out. Though even with the half-assed ideas, I still made the effort to go out and shoot what I found interesting.

A little look into how I usually work; I’m the type to plan things from the start (even if its a vague idea) and before attempting to start shooting vs. going out to shoot on a whim. Its really difficult for me to shoot things on impulse and later curate a selection of photos together into a project. I tried that with my previous project The Morning After 2 years ago, but the photos I took on a whim that I originally planned on using didn’t follow the flow of the newer photos I took after deciding on the concept of The Morning After. It was such a shame but those photos may come into use in the future again

That being said, earlier this summer, I took a couple of experimental shots in my apartment with my digital camera and some old letters I had written. You know, the type that you write out to get your feelings onto paper but never send out? Letters to ex-lovers, celebrities that I’m fans of, friends that I fell out of sync with, or just when I was filled with a lot of emotions weather they be positive or negative ones. I was really itching to use them In a project somehow but didn’t have a concept in mind where they could have been used. A couple months later, I started having a really tough time with my mental health and personal life. It was probably my lowest I had felt in a long time, a Jamais vu if you will. It was pretty bad anxiety for the future (a common thing that I think is prevalent now in a lot of people due to the pandemic and other worries). I shut myself out for an entire month from the outside world and couldn’t even find the resolve to reach out and talk with close friends about how I felt. But you know the saying, things like this become blessings in disguise.

A really close friend from junior college reconnected with me after half a decade this year and although it had been so long since we talked, our conversations resumed as if it was just yesterday. She was the one who suggested something that really helped spark my creative wheels again. It was nice to have someone who truly empathizes with you. Maybe thats what I was missing or what I needed all along? It was thanks to her that I was able to start building on my projects again. Especially a project which I like to call ”Memories” (omoi de 重い出）

Now before I get called out for using the wrong Kanji in Japanese, I just want to say that I wanted it to be stylized that way. In Japanese, the word for the term “memories” or “reminisce” is usually written as 思い出 and sometimes 想いで　(both read the same way as above) but I instead I wrote it using a character that means a plethora of meanings. Some being “weighty” , “heavy” , “massive”, but also “slow“ , “serious” and sometimes “sensible”. You could call me strange for it, especially since I named it such a basic term in English, but in certain context, sometimes simple is best.

This project will be using both digital and film photos which already sounds like an accident waiting to happen, but when it comes to projects like this, I always try to see how far I can push my creative wheels before I crash and burn (not always metaphorically speaking haha). I’m glad that this project isn't staring completely from scratch though. Ill be using the digital photos that I took back in Japan and will be switching back and forth between the ones Ive been taking in Hawaii. Its almost a gamble though since these photos will be taken on film and won’t be developed until later when I return to Tokyo . Its even more risky since I’m only using one roll of film in Hawaii.

Some are probably wondering why I decided to go through all these risky decisions. I guess you could say that there’s a lot of weight resting on my shoulders (haha). Actually a lot of my projects incorporate a lot of really heaving feelings or emotions. This year in itself has been a lot, carrying all of these heavy feelings and worries isn’t always easy. And like I had mentioned earlier, even if I tried to convey these feelings into projects and work, it really felt like something was missing, if not, didn’t really feel like the essence of ”me” was there like how it was present in much of my older works. I could be hyping up a really cool upcoming project but it may turn into a disappointment in the end. Who knows right? But I will admit, the uncertainty is almost exciting.